It's easy to think "well not much happened this year....again. As usual. Well done. Ugh". But I'm slowly learning not to listen to my thoughts. I started Rebel Lectures and became a lecturer this year, without having to go to uni or anything. Boom. Just from listening to podcasts, watching youtube n that, and taking some risks. And it's gone pretty well so far. So that's pretty amazing really. And there's loads of other little things that have happened that are really positive. I've connected with my mum and dad more than ever. And I'm constantly getting better at managing myself, my emotions, my reactions, my perspective. There's been a couple of times when I nearly dragged myself back down into the darkness, but I managed to stop that from happening, using tools and techniques which I used to call "bollocks".
Of course I could paint myself a picture that it's been another terrible year and that I'm gonna die alone and nothing matters, but anyone can paint that picture. It doesn't matter if you're Richard Branson or Mother Theresa, if the part of you that wants to be miserable is in control, then it's very easy to make yourself miserable - anyone can do it. Misery doesn't like hearing that as everyone's misery thinks it's clever and unique. But it's not. Misery has been around for ages and the stories misery tells have been heard a million times by a million different people.
Someone asked a question at one of my depression lectures recently. She asked whether I thought that the reason people get depressed is because what they actually see is the truth - that the world is a dark and hopeless place and that anyone who doesn't think that is just kidding themselves. I think I used to think that. But I don't anymore. The world is lots of things. Sometimes it's evil. Sometimes it's awesome. But more than anything, it's whatever you experience it as at any given time. And you can change the way you experience it, in the moment or in general. Like you can experience exactly the same situation a million different ways. The outside world is a reflection of your inside world. You know that already if you've ever described yourself as being in a "good mood" or a "bad mood". What do we actually mean when we say that? When you're in a good mood the world seems like a much better place than it does when you're in a bad mood. All the silly worries you had yesterday aren't there anymore. Things you were angry about don't bother you anymore. But the world hasn't changed. You've changed.
I can change my mood. It's hard work. But it's more than worth it. It doesn't always work. It's not an exact science. But I'm getting better at it. Next year I'm going to allocate a specific amount of time per week to changing my mood. Which usually just means thinking about other people and being nice to them. And I'll try to do it all day every day if I can, but that's hard.
My new year's resolution is to try to completely give up complaining, externally and internally. If I really think something should change then I have to do something about it, not complain about it. Complaining is for pussies and leads nowhere. Standing up for what you believe in isn't complaining. Complaining is complaining. 2018 is a year of action. Put up or shut up. That doesn't mean I'm going to run around trying to change the world all the time. Most of the time I'm just going to shut up, accept the world how it is, wait for my silly emotions to pass, then carry on with whatever I was doing.
Happy New Year. x