Angry Baby

Recently I've found myself getting angry about stupid shit like why noone's working at roadworks or how ugly all the new blocks of "luxury" flats look and the economic and social travesty they represent. When I'm in the grip of anger these seem like justified things to get angry about. But these days I'm better at catching myself. It's not really about the roadworks. When I'm getting angry about stuff it might be because my insides are starting to rot. Resentment is infiltrating my brain. And then I start confusing how I feel with how the world is. It's the beginning of a decent into hell. That sounds quite dramatic, but if you visit hell you'll see it's no picnic. I've got to keep an eye on these things. Catch it early. It's important to never forget how bad hell is. Humans have adapted over millions of years to forget bad shit. It probably helps with being able to pass on my genes to not be thinking about hell all the time. That's one of the the reasons humans make the same dumb mistakes over and over again. We forget. It's important I don't forget. It's why I need other people around to get better. They help to remind me. Left to its own devices my brain can do all sorts of little adjustments about what the past was like.

So the decent to hell starts with anger. Resentment is the tour guide to hell. It can get me there faster than I think. The anger builds, until there's noone left to get angry at, and then it switches its target. Someone once told me that depression is anger turned inwards. I didn't get it at first, but now I think that's the best description of depression I've heard. So I've got to watch out for anger; resentment; the little baby in me who wants everything to be how he wants it and not how it is. Stupid angry baby. When the baby surfaces I know it's time to think like an adult. Think how I can be useful to other people. If I'm thinking about other people I'm not feeding the angry baby. He soon goes away and I'm all zen and shit again. Or at least not as angry about the roadworks. And not on the way to hell.